Dr. Bones

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Dear Miz Dr. Bones,
You seems like an educated type o' lady and I got to thinkin maybe you could be helpin me out wit a little problem I'm a havin.
My missus, may the good lord bless her soul, says I should'n be a givin my only boy a gun lest he be shootin hisself, but I keep a tellin her, he be four summers now and he gots to protect hisself agains bears and whatnot. Settle our dispute once and for all, when should a child be havin a fireharm o' his own?
-Wondering

Dear Wondering,
Whilst I believe everyone should have the right to a firearm, I do not think a child of 'four summers' is old enough for that kind of responisibility. Get involved with your local gun club and take your son to meetings so that he may understand how to use a gun correctly and minimise the danger to himself and others. As for bears, I reccomend contacting the local wildlife authority.
-Dr. Bones


Dear Dr. Bones,
Recently I caught my teenage son having sex with another man, and now I think he may be gay. Is there any way to definitively tell?
-Worried

Dear Worried,
Your son is of an age where he is discovering his sexuality and it may be that he is in fact a homosexual. The only definitive way to find out is to ask your son directly. He may be homosexual, bisexual, or simply curious. This is nothing to be ashamed of, and you should discuss it openly with your son.
-Dr. Bones


Dear Dr. Bones,
I have been dating a guy for a year now, and though I love him, he can be very possesive, sometimes even threatening self harm as a result of my actions. I am quite worried as I find myself attracted to someone else and I fear if my boyfriend was to find out he would physically harm this person. He is a gentle soul at heart but he can be very, very dangerous is provoked, and he has on several occasions come quite close to hurting me. What should I do?
-Confused

Dear Confused,
First of all, please get your boyfriend psychiatric help immediately, he clearly has serious anger and abandonment issues that need to be dealt with. As for your question, I'm afraid you will have to chose one man or the other. Consider whom will make a better life partner and father to potential children.
-Dr. Bones


Dear Dr. Bones,
Help I smoked way too much weed? My friends are over and I smoked WAYYY too much im all dizy and i can't see straight the room is moving. Oh god my peanut btuter tastes like ice cream i thought the pillow was the cat ahhh.
-High

Dear High,
I don't understand, where is the question?
-Dr. Bones


Dear Dr. Bones,
ok im kinda worryed here since my g/f got pregnant and all she isnt been havein her period do u think the baby is drinkin the blood??? she 6 month pregnant.
-!!!

This is ridiculous, do you not know the first thing about human biology?
-Dr. Bones


Dear Dr.Bones
Are you in fact the devil incarnate? As a woman you should not work, and submit wholly to your husbands will. You are a witch and will be hunted down and sacrificed in the manner best beffitting your heinous existence.
-Father of the Church of Divine Spaghetti-O's

I refuse to answer any more blatantly stupid questions. I have a real job that needs attending to. As Booth would say, you can all suck on my degree.

Diary of shaza, Pt I.

I was totally checking out this copy of cosmo at centrelink the other day right, and in it I saw this celebrity from like, some asian country had named her new baby "Likatikatoto." So I figured, right, thats its a nice name for a kid, you know? It kinda rolls off your tongue like a ciggy, of which I have loads since I got my welfare checkaroon. Anyways, so me and chaz banged a few times when he came around and i can tell from the colour of my pee im preggers. I just have that instinct, i got it from me mum. I have sore tits too and my period has stopped. So im havin a baby! Fucking A, right?

Anyways so I tell chaz and hes excited as a fucken dog on crack, and we start to talk bout baby names. I was thinkin maybe Schapelle? That chick that was jailed in Thailand, or whateva for bodyboarding? I figure when my bub goes to school she has that star quality, named after someone, you know? My sis in Mt Druitt reckons "Eloiiisee" is a fucken trendy name, you know, with the dozen "iiii"s or whatevr. I dunno though, coz right, dont tell no one but what if she cant spell her name if its got so many words in it, you know? Better to keep it short, thats why im called Shaza. Mum did right by me.

Anyways so me and chaz are figuring out baby names and having a few ciggies, and he comes up with the name "Talusha", and I figure its a fucken nice name, right? And if its a boy, we might call him September coz thats when hes due to be born and shit, and we'll never forget his birthday. Fucken good idea we thought. I lit another cig and touched my baby bump, and then thought bout that cosmo mag I saw at centrelink when i was waiting in line! "Likatikatoto" is a fucken great name, and Chaza agreed, I called me mum and she thought it was "unique" whatever that means. I didnt call dad or nothing coz he's in jail, but i figure ill send him a letter, and get the chick down at the community center to write it for me, aye. Now we decided what to call our bub, we had to find out what the name means, coz we like to be informed, aye. And the world wide web says its native american, or some shit, and means "to urinate softly." What the fuck is that? I never heard of the word 'urinate' before. Mum and Chaza had no idea neither, so I called my smart friend who knows big words and she told me it means to pee! TO PEE! Chaza reckons its a good sign, coz our bub will not pee loud or something and bother people in other toilets, spesh if theyre shooting up. Coz thats the worst, when someone is pissing heaps loud. I fucken know!

So its decided then. Me mum says I have to go down the doctors and see how many weeks ive been preggers. A bun in the oven, cant fucken believe it! Anyway, I have to go buy some more cigs and book meself in at the clinic, and give Kaza and Bazza a call to let em know the good news, i'll let ya know how many days i've had the bub. Gotta feed the dogs too! Before rspca get on me like fucken docs, aye! Love Shaza.

A Day in Lemonfresh Hell: The Birthday Party

Having already endured 5 1/2 hours of hell your intrepid reporter arrived at her destination somewhere in the ACT. She was immediately greeted by 10000 red plastic forks and a life sized cutout of Edward Cullen looming from the front door.

You do not know pain, you do not know fear, until you have endured sixteen straight hours with a screaming hoard of twelve year old fangirls. Forced to sacrifice her bed, her personal space, even her dignity, your reporter donned a fool proof disguise, guaranteed to let her infiltrate the deepest depths of hell unscathed.



The house was festooned with black, white and red balloons, ribbon and streamers. Highly airbrushed pictures of the movie cast were stuck to every flat surface and the table was set with the fine plastic.

First came the presents, a mostly horror free event. Shortly after this your reporter was unexpectedly blindfolded, spun around to the point of nausea and thrown into a solid door with an apple clutched in one hand, in a twisted version of pin the tail on the donkey. During pass-the-parcel she was deafened by the sounds of Muse and had a baseball lobbed at her when she tried to escape.

Dinner arrived and your reporter was force-fed pizza and garlic bread, lollies, mints and sourdough with peri peri dip. A glass of 'Bella' champagne was ingested, but no amount of alcohol could dull the terror.

After sufficient foodstuffs had been choked down, the fangirls retired to the lunge, where they gossiped and watched Rocky Horror, believing it may contain vampires. It did not. They were disappointed. They then watched Twilight at high volume, still gossiping about the relative merits of Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. Your intrepid reporter posited that Jackson Rathbone was in fact the most attractive of the males in the film and was promptly shot down.

Finally, exhausted, the fangirls retired to bed, although they continued an incessant whine until the wee hours, denying your reporter sleep or anything close to rest.

The sun rose, and with it the fangirls. They feasted on the souls of the innocent pancakes whilst your reporter resisted the urge to throw up into her cup of black coffee. Within hours they had vacated the premises, leaving only popped balloons and a lifetime of nightmares to show they'd ever been there.

Your intrepid reported had a large gin and tonic and retired to bed.

Today's news headlines:

TODAY TONIGHT unfortunately went out of business today due to a solar eclipse. As it is run by echidnas, it did not know whether it was TODAY or TONIGHT and ran around naked for a time in despair. Fortunately, A CURRENT AFFAIR was around to pick up the pieces with these tell-all exposé’s.

MOBILE PHONES: The Japanese today release a new revolutionary mobile phone which includes a state of the art harpoon. Although the manufacturer WAYLEKILLAH insists the harpoon is for scientific purposes, A Current Affair CAN reveal several Japanese men have been seen reeling in whales with their mobile phones and filleting them into small pieces before offering them to Japanese Government officials. Greenpeace tried to get involved before a tidal wave unfortunately killed them all. Although the Australian public was outraged at the whale killing, they did cheer at the news that Greenpeace had been vanquished. “I can breathe safe now, “a Clovelly resident who wished to remain unnamed said, “they bullied me into donating $100 a month. Now I can give the money to more worthwhile causes, like the society for children born as electric piano’s and stigmatized for life as nothing more than a musical instrument or SCHAEPASFLANMTMI for short.”

A Penrith resident has been arrested for excessive use of puns. He was horrified to know that the Penrith public did not find him punny in the least. “What’s the thyme, Herb!?” He asked. It was the last straw when he said “What’s a sadomasochist celebrity obsessed persons’s favourite song? Hit me BRITNEY one more time!” The police were so aggravated by his overuse of paradoxical humour that they shot him in the face with a machine pun and blamed the 2 year old baby next to them. Charges on the minor are pending.

A saddened public has today been informed that Mr. Pickle has been brutally murdered in his glass jar home. Shaken neighbours advised that a ravenous man with blonde hair unscrewed the jar lid as Mr. Pickle slept soundly and picked him out of his bed, before crunching his head straight off. Police have said they will perform a rape kit to hopefully get DNA from the murder. The crime scene was horrible, with only traces of juice left. A horrified neighbour, Mrs. Flora Margarine told us all. “It was a quiet night in the fridge you know…You couldn’t even hear anything. And as I was dozing off, I heard the fridge door open. The light came on and I couldn’t even warn Sven before the jar was unscrewed. I saw him get crunched, it was so horrible- I’m so happy that Mama Tomato didn’t see it, you know. She still hasn’t recovered from when her partner Marty Cucumber was killed in a salad massacre, chopped up into so many pieces and feasted on by the masses- WE DON’T HAVE RIGHTS!”

Today a pimple sued the human it grew on and won. It claimed it had been abused by ample squeezing, even when screaming “RAPE!”. The human had to pay up $50 and remove all traces of Clearasil in the house to co-exist peacefully.

Guantanamo Bay today is hosting its annual cosmetic conference! For tickets please contact ticketek.

Following a moonwalking infomercial that 20 people watched at 4am last night, moon walking has taken Australia by storm. This has been fatal for one million people so far who did not know HOW to moonwalk and have died due to epic fail- an epicdemic sweeping the nation. “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?” A mother of six sobbed today, as four of her children dropped dead due to the insensitivity of this article. I can’t help it, I replied, stepping out of my guise as a sophisticated media journalist into the cold hearted bitch that kills children in articles about moonwalking. The readers who now don’t know what the hell I’m on about look at me blankly, but due to my infinite power as a hypnotist, they all jump on trampolines made of jelly for the rest of their lives and sustain brain damage and that’s the end of that.

Unceremonial dump #2: Here we go again