Today's news headlines:

TODAY TONIGHT unfortunately went out of business today due to a solar eclipse. As it is run by echidnas, it did not know whether it was TODAY or TONIGHT and ran around naked for a time in despair. Fortunately, A CURRENT AFFAIR was around to pick up the pieces with these tell-all exposé’s.

MOBILE PHONES: The Japanese today release a new revolutionary mobile phone which includes a state of the art harpoon. Although the manufacturer WAYLEKILLAH insists the harpoon is for scientific purposes, A Current Affair CAN reveal several Japanese men have been seen reeling in whales with their mobile phones and filleting them into small pieces before offering them to Japanese Government officials. Greenpeace tried to get involved before a tidal wave unfortunately killed them all. Although the Australian public was outraged at the whale killing, they did cheer at the news that Greenpeace had been vanquished. “I can breathe safe now, “a Clovelly resident who wished to remain unnamed said, “they bullied me into donating $100 a month. Now I can give the money to more worthwhile causes, like the society for children born as electric piano’s and stigmatized for life as nothing more than a musical instrument or SCHAEPASFLANMTMI for short.”

A Penrith resident has been arrested for excessive use of puns. He was horrified to know that the Penrith public did not find him punny in the least. “What’s the thyme, Herb!?” He asked. It was the last straw when he said “What’s a sadomasochist celebrity obsessed persons’s favourite song? Hit me BRITNEY one more time!” The police were so aggravated by his overuse of paradoxical humour that they shot him in the face with a machine pun and blamed the 2 year old baby next to them. Charges on the minor are pending.

A saddened public has today been informed that Mr. Pickle has been brutally murdered in his glass jar home. Shaken neighbours advised that a ravenous man with blonde hair unscrewed the jar lid as Mr. Pickle slept soundly and picked him out of his bed, before crunching his head straight off. Police have said they will perform a rape kit to hopefully get DNA from the murder. The crime scene was horrible, with only traces of juice left. A horrified neighbour, Mrs. Flora Margarine told us all. “It was a quiet night in the fridge you know…You couldn’t even hear anything. And as I was dozing off, I heard the fridge door open. The light came on and I couldn’t even warn Sven before the jar was unscrewed. I saw him get crunched, it was so horrible- I’m so happy that Mama Tomato didn’t see it, you know. She still hasn’t recovered from when her partner Marty Cucumber was killed in a salad massacre, chopped up into so many pieces and feasted on by the masses- WE DON’T HAVE RIGHTS!”

Today a pimple sued the human it grew on and won. It claimed it had been abused by ample squeezing, even when screaming “RAPE!”. The human had to pay up $50 and remove all traces of Clearasil in the house to co-exist peacefully.

Guantanamo Bay today is hosting its annual cosmetic conference! For tickets please contact ticketek.

Following a moonwalking infomercial that 20 people watched at 4am last night, moon walking has taken Australia by storm. This has been fatal for one million people so far who did not know HOW to moonwalk and have died due to epic fail- an epicdemic sweeping the nation. “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?” A mother of six sobbed today, as four of her children dropped dead due to the insensitivity of this article. I can’t help it, I replied, stepping out of my guise as a sophisticated media journalist into the cold hearted bitch that kills children in articles about moonwalking. The readers who now don’t know what the hell I’m on about look at me blankly, but due to my infinite power as a hypnotist, they all jump on trampolines made of jelly for the rest of their lives and sustain brain damage and that’s the end of that.